The Non-Monogamous Hangover

Sorry, “hangover” was the only analogy that seemed to work!

I’d love to know your thoughts on this situation.

We’re still in the “finding our feet” phase of the non-monogamy journey.  My husband doesn’t feel the urge to look for extra relationships, but I’m quite enjoying mine.  He is very happy for me and we’ve had hundreds of conversations throughout the process to ensure we’re both still ok with everything.

My question is…how much heartache should my husband have to deal with?  When I’m feeling insecure in a new relationship, or it has to end.  If I become emotional or withdrawn because of it, all I want to do is discuss it and find comfort from him.

Just like a hangover, it’s self inflicted.  Like a hangover, it feels shit.  And like a hangover I  feel guilty expecting any sympathy.  I feel as though I shouldn’t be spilling my guts every time there’s a bump in the road, we have our own emotional discussions to have regarding our own relationship.

The recent scenario is that my boyfriend of several months made a flippant comment that upset me.  He wasn’t being malicious, it was just something my husband would be more careful about because we know each other inside out.  It just triggered something and put me in a funk for a few days.  Is that something my husband should have to comfort me about?  Of course he doesn’t like seeing me upset, but is there a line?  Where should my expectations lie?  Kind of makes me feel like I shouldn’t be putting me in these situations.

Just another question that has come up on this new adventure.

What is marriage about anyway?

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Is it about loving each other? Or obeying each others rules? Or about obeying society’s rules?

A very, very deep rabbit hole.  Where do the questions end?

What if I’m happy the way things are, with the comfort of rules to follow which promise to lead to a fulfilled and content lifelong relationship.  But at the same time believe the other way makes more sense?

These thoughts have led to some random exploration within our marriage, with varying outcomes.

In general though,  it has been amazingly refreshing and eyeopening to look upon marriage while trying to remove the filters ingrained in our culture.

This has taken a few years of reading, discussing, listening and contemplating.

Whether we continue pursuing these things in a practical sense or not, the thought processes occurring are both invigorating and frightening.


Is this my mid-life crisis?

I’m 35, so surely it’s too early even to be peri-midlife?

But I am going through a phase of questioning my fundamental beliefs about who I am and what is true.

Society is growing a pair, and the growing trend to question what is accepted is exciting and a bit scary.

Being conditioned to believe what we are told and not question the status quo was easy.  Questioning absolutely everything is not.

The Catholic question was difficult and took years.  Let alone Christianity in general.

But I got there in the end.  I’m now able to call bullshit on it.  But then what about all the unspoken behaviours and beliefs I have been conditioned with from birth?  Which ones do I now need to question?

So here we go down the rabbit hole…